Performance Review: Employee # PM00022 HARPER,Stephen – January 25, 2014

10159_503171889751850_1151420537_nHarper, we have a problem. After reviewing your performance since the last election, you still have this Robocall dilemma sticking to your shoe. You know that letting Pierre Poutine slide is really a back-hand slap to democracy. I almost believed your denying having any dealings with the farce, but as it drags on the mind must take pause.

Now, I realize that you want the get rid of the Senate, but they are the only brake to your runaway rampage. Sure there have been a few events that almost make me want to side with you, if only all those troubled senators weren’t under your appointment. If we take away your regulators (and I know how you love doing that) then us poor citizens will most likely have to deal with an even more sociopathic state. I think our cup runneth over as it is thank you very much. So, no, there will be no dismantling of the Senate while you’re in power. Sorry.

map01-uniqueidupateThen we have the whole tar sands debacle. I know your big thing is ‘economy economy economy’ and it has its importance, but there’s more to life than money. You see, your little cancerous project is hurting the environment and the people you’re supposedly representing. The Athabasca River is nearing death, and the people relying on its water are getting sick with disease. It’s starting to look like your own private Love Canal.

Of course, I realize you’re doing all you can to ignore this problem. For starters, I’ve got to question your sneaky move of downgrading our environmental protection. What do you have against clean rivers and lakes? Do you realize what we use that water for? I don’t know about you, but I like to have a drink of water here and there. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like an good soak in oil as much as the next droid but my plants aren’t as understanding. And I can’t fail to notice that you’ve also muzzled all your scientists. Do you realize that last time that happened was during the Middle Ages? What era are you from?

There is also the matter of Idle No More. Remember those people dying of disease? I was speaking of the First Nations living with the result of your environmental assault. You know that those treaties aren’t going to write themselves. On top of that, the residential school tragedy is starting to bubble up again. Inequality is not going to go away if you keep kissing the posteriors of higher ups and tear-gassing those you represent.

As for you and the neighbours, I can’t say that the Comprehensive Economic and Trade Agreement (CETA) will do us Canadians any good. Remember NAFTA? That one still nips at our sovereignty, and you want to give away more? Nevermind the Trans-Pacific Partnership that you’ve been trying to keep as quiet as possible. You want us to hook into a trade regime that covers 40% of global economic output and one-third of world trade but not let us know the details. I don’t like it.

As for your play dough, it’s time to put you on an allowance. When you said you were taking the limo for a ride, we didn’t mean for a $1.2 million airplane ride to India. And that $620,000 stealth snowmobile must be a great toy! Smart purchase! As for the $2.5 million non-existent-job ad, when we asked for more employment, we didn’t mean to the ad agency. Then there’s the $40 million ads to promote the tar sands, don’t you think you’ve given that group enough promotion? And, of course, you’re keeping us safe with the mighty $45.8 billion F-35 fighters, and the $1.2 billion military spy agency. Feeling a little insecure? I don’t know about you, but that $47.044 billion total sounds like an awful lot when all you’re handing out to us citizens are funding cuts. Perhaps you should call up those folks you hired back in August 2011 to find savings that will help balance the budgets; I’m sure we can scrape up another $19.8 million for them. Were they the ones who tracked down your missing $3.1 billion?

I tried to keep it brief but you’ve been a busy man. How’s the panda? I’d send this to you, but I’m not sure how long that postal service will be running. Unfortunately, as I feel you’ve been doing a poor job at maintaining the wellbeing of the Canadian citizenry, I recommend that you take a break. I’m a wee bit worried about our country’s future. And I’m sure a good compensation package awaits. Maybe we’ll find a bird sanctuary to name after you, but I’m sure the scar of the tar sands will suffice as your legacy. No offence, but it’s time to throw in the towel. Game over.Tar Sands At Night #2.                                  Series: